I used to be into quotations.
There was a guy. He was very Jewish. He had bad skin. He was morally bankrupt.
He was ugly. He smelled bad. As you might imagine, there was an entire gaggle of
girls trying to get into his pants.
They were a bunch of Christian fundamentalists, affectionately called the God Squad by some,
malevolently called the God Squad by some. They wrote him the scariest love letters and poetry I
have ever seen.
Finally, he had to choose one, and I was relieved that he did not choose the one who had
adapted Culture Club lyrics to express whatever foul sentiment she was trying to express.
Instead, he chose a sweet girl who lived with a crazy, flat-chested, exhibitionist
midget hooker who claimed to be allergic to marijuana and aspired to be an architect.
Now the evil boy and the sweet girl with a tenuous grip on reality performed the proper rites
of the barnyard dance and became officially socially-ensnared. She drafted a timetable by which
they would traverse numerous stages of physical intimacy. She showed him this timetable. He
deluded himself into thinking that this timetable was much more volatile than it was. Much later
on, he dumped her for a girl that was much less Christian.
In the meantime, though, their dry-humping was interminable. He very quickly earned himself the
nickname "Sticky Shorts", which, come to think of it, was far better than most of his other
Then once, for a moment when her legs weren't spread, she mentioned to me that she had heard that I
was into quotations. I acknowledged this and she became very excited. She was into quotations too.
She felt the need to prove this to me. It was rather close to that time when I concluded that
quoting was lame and that I would stop living vicariously through the words of others and idolizing
ink and all that other stuff from that GNR song.